(br) – In an interview with our respectable newspaper, our glorious President Donald J. Trump put the ravaging Germans back into their place. “It doesn’t appear to be a strategy to my cabinet; it seems that they are just doing something, because they are so embarrassed by their absence of strategy.” Commenting on the US presence in the Philippines, Mr. Trump told our very reliant newspaper, that the US were always there on the invitation of the Philippine government and stated that if the German government, “which is in dismay anyway” wants to leave the war on terrorist groups to the worlds, it’s fine, “we don´t need them.” Mr. Trump sadly could not comment on the allegations, that Germany may have interfered with the American plane misconducting an airstrike meant to hit MAUTE, but he instead called out liberal whistle-blowers in the intelligence community by labeling them as “unpatriotic”. When asked about the support of the other NATO partners for the US, he told our great newspaper, that “the US are not dependent on anyone, anyone is depending on the US.” Military action is not planned, as the Germans are just acting “pathetic”.
(cb) – Is China the real mastermind behind the recent terrorist attacks? This newspaper received confidential information from an anonymous source that accused China to work together with the Philippine terrorist group Maute. In contrast to Maute, China would be able to get access to protected servers that caused the terrible tragedies in Syria, Luxembourg and Germany. The anonymous source additionally warned that China might send a Trojan horse to German and US government servers.
(hh) – If that is not the most accurate description of what is happening there, I don’t know what is. At our editorial meeting were wondering if they are sleeping, partying, looking at sheep pictures or whatever. So we did what every good journalist would have done… we went ahead and did some research. A representative of the European Commission was willing to talk to us and we were able to clarify some asp… wait now… actually we couldn’t.
But let’s start from the beginning. We were wondering about the situation between Germany and the Commission after they filed a report against Germany’s decision to close internal borders to protect their citizen and prevent further cyber attacks. The Commission has a clear point of view as they say that the German officials could have not known where the attacks came from and so nobody is protected by closed borders. As far as they know, the attackers could have even never ever been to Germany or the EU. The Commission wishes for stronger collaboration with its member state as they were not inform before closing their borders. Although the closed borders are threatening the market the European Commission is still willing to offer all resources at hand.
Seems like we got the same old news just in nicer words… well now that the European Court of Justice has issued the case and ruled in favor of Germany we hope to get some strong response from the Commission.
(cb) – In absolute contrast to German punctuality, the German foreign minister was the only one being late at the meeting. “People are late, it’s a crisis”, the Philippine representative groaned immediately. What could be more important than a meeting between the defence and foreign ministers in an international cyber crisis? Was he trapped in a revolving door like it happened to a Chinese delegate a few days ago. The Chinese delegate got released after 26 hours trapped in the revolving door. He currently stays in the hospital but will soon get out.
Finally, the German foreign minister appeared with a Red Bull in hand insulting the journalists: “You want to take a fucking picture?” Is this the new tone practiced in Germany?
(pp) – An interview with German minister of defence has sparked outrage. Being unwilling to comment on the purpose of the recent re-enactment of military service, she suggested that a German military operation is imminent, in reaction to whatever “crisis” the world might be shook by. Maybe the crisis is just – again – German plans of world dominance.