Thank you all for the incredible conference, the thrilling gossip and the high-quality memes! See you at TICS2020! Editor out.
Dr. Strangelove’s wet dream The Nigerian MoD promised to start a nuclear program for the salvation of the Ambazonian people – where has it gone? Are we ever gonna see nukes been thrown on Yaounde like candy on carneval?
Angelina is so beautiful #girlcrush
Shots being fired in the Cameroonian cabinet while the Ambazonian president was there for negotiations.
The PRC sends a gentle “f**k you” to President Trump. You have no balls in approving any tariffs.
NIGERIA the cabinet is falling apart… but where did they all go?
EVERY SINGLE CABINET TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD
Drug market going strong in Côte d’Ivoire From a reliable source we know that the Ivorian cabinet is strengthening their relationship with the Lebaneses Al-Zein clan by sending American exocit dancers to their contact person in Abidjan.
Angelina Jolie Actually in Love with Ivorian Doctor? Rumors have been spreading of a budding romance between Angelina Jolie and an Ivorian doctor after they met at a refugee camp in Northern Ivory Coast. Anything about a romance with Cameroon is fabricated and quite possibily just the high hopes of some Cameroonian ministers with not enough mistresses. (though it seems they have plenty!)
Planned Assasination The rumor is, that the Cameroonian Minister of Defence was killed after planning the assassination of the President
Apparently the Cameroonian Defense Minister was killed by Angelina Jolie who is a spy for the United States but actually working for the Chinese Government.
African Unitiy Initative The African Unity Initiative that was proposed by the Nigerian government becomes a race before the closing of directives – Ghana is in who will join next and gain independence from the US and China?
Hot ministers and chairs and Excom at Gala night So many hot men at the party was overwhelming!
Note by the editor: Not only the men…
Where‘s the gossip?! No gossip the whole night? Impossible!
Who needs torture if you can have Coconut Blueberry RedBull?
Cameroon Minister of Defense in Hospital Beloved Minister of Defense of the Republic of Cameroon, René Claude Meka is happy to survive the ambush of Ambazonian Rebel groups. Heavily wounded, doctors say he will be in need of much and heavy medicine tonight and intensive care of kind nurses.
National Minister of Education (*31.12.1996, X 02.11.2019) turns in his grave as Ghana now copies his press release in vengeance for copying their idea for migration laws”
USAID Rumors say that USAID is just a PR stunt and there was never any money send to African countries
Some say the Ivorian Minister of Education actually died and the minister of defence decided to eat pizza on his rotting corpse
Berhard Möllers Bernhard Möllers is definitely a partisan hack and officially Xi Jingpings lil darlin’
Who hacked the software? Who is behind this short hickup of the conference software? Was it perhaps caused by Cameroonian hackers? Have the data monkeys gone rogue?
Fetish or fraud A Cameroon minister has been seen doing very suspicious things
KIDNAPPING Someone was spotted with a bag over his head…
The US is running a failed African strategy Americans fail wherever they go. They cannot even offer safety to their own people.
Rumour says that the Americans shut the door of the Chinese delegation in order to prevent them from entering the room. What were you doing inside the room?
Is Bernhard Möllers now china-friendly or na? This morning journalist Bernhard Möllers was awarded a medal by the Chinese president. He presented himself friendly, but hasn’t covered the honorable award in a newspaper article… is Möllers playing a false game with China? Is the impartiality of the press in danger?
“But this plan is going to risk the lives of American soldiers!” “Welcome to America.”
Trump… say he does not mind Navy Seals in coffins. #worthit
“Backroom is never wrong” – an honorable Crisis Manager
Someone actually got stuck in the stone vulva: https://www.sueddeutsche.de/panorama/steinerne-vulva-in-tuebingen-heillos-verklemmt-1.2010137
Backroom hates Nigeria The rumor is that the backroom is very annoyed by the Nigerian cabinet and there are more crises to come. During this Ghana feels neglected.
AMERICA FIRST; IVORY COAST SECOND Welcome to the very great and tremendous Republic of the Ivory coast. A lot of good cocoa beans here, great cocoa beans, the best, tremendous. Nigeria though is not so great. They have problems with corruption. Sad.
Ghanain Super Listening Device? Rumor has it that the Ghanaian cabinet can overhear Ivorian conversations, but not the other way around. Could this mean a new Ghanaian superweapon is in development? Could every cabinet’s secrets be spilled to the Observer now?
Committee Rooms Wiretapped? Rumor has it that superior information technology is applied in the form of wire-tapped committee rooms. Should this prove to be correct, nothing will be left secret. But who would commit to such an act?
Tickets are sold out “[the refugee camp] is like a big concert!”- Responsible minister
La Sapeur’s strange fetish for Côte d’Ivoire Three articles in a row about Côte d’Ivoire – is this still a friendship or can we say there is some romance in the air?
Poor party performance We made a DJ very unhappy yesterday with hardly more than 5 people on the dance floor. Poor guy 🙁
China likes trains China reeeally likes trains – especially their own in Africa.
War Why hasn’t anyone declared war on cameroon yet? lots of territory and china probably wont care
For the drama Rumor has it the cabinet of Cameroon abandoned their minister of defense to let him get killed on purpose, so they can start drama.
Shadowy organisation known only as “the Backroom” seems to have its fingers everywhere in Gulf of Guinea crisis conference Shadowy organisation known only as “the Backroom” seems to have its fingers everywhere in Gulf of Guinea crisis conference. Who are they and what do they want? They seem to be controlling the press and they have eyes everywhere. What game are they playing?
The President of China is never late The President of China was indeed NOT late this morning, but took the assigned bus and arrived just in time for the crisis. The Chinese cabinet was simply overly ambitious and too early (-5 social credits!).
Trump´s name sign missing Rumours say that Trump left the White House to go playing golf in his resort in Mar-O-Lago.
HOW DO YOU POST PICTURES I do not understand *cries*
Note from the editor: send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
“Le Sapeur’s reporting is fair, balanced and honourable” says journalist exclusively working for Le Sapeur! A very convincing statement that is clearly non-biased reporting and quality journalism. (Trump voice) Sad.
Chinese Chairman got missing! The Chinese cabinet is desperately waiting for their chair to appear… was it one beer too much? Or did we just uncover a juicy story?
Trump again?! Read the last Trump Tweet? Well that soft and diplomatic guy is not who he was before!
We’re flying to Bali! Thanks to the fund provided to the Republic of Cameroon to improve the education system, the entire government of Cameroon decides to spend some quality time with special guests from Brazil in Bali, inspired by the vacation of Mohammed Bin Salman (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-39214695)
What happend to the man who once wanted to make America great again? Where is Donald Trump? No Tweets, no interviews, no statements? Did the man who one wanted to make America great again lost his rhetorical skills and sharpness? Is Is he giving up? Or is he simply too old?
Questionable music in the backroom Rumour has it that members of the backroom are groobing to the “Ebola Song”. A signal of what is to come?
Cameroon when they try to achieve anything with their military https://giphy.com/gifs/VcLsVNHVRikbC/html5
Is a jealous wife deadly when consumed orally? “Jealous wife, not alive” – but what does it specifically mean? Are we talking about food poisoning here? Or can the presence of a jealous wife already be a threat to your life?
No consequences for saying “We like your money, but not you” Nigeria has officially said it does not like the chinese ideology, they just take the Chinese money to profit from it. China doesn’t seem to mind at all, so i think we can call them true communists – always sharing and caring
Ghost detected It’s spooky here. Numerous participants have witnessed a man, bearing close similarity to the recently deceased Cameroonian Minister of Defence, walking around the building. Are we being haunted by this specter?
Chinese Propaganda spreading around the doclab The cabinet of the United States was very disturbed suddenly hearing loud Chinese music blaring from their bluetooth speakers. It seems like China wants to engage with the US one way or another. Is it a mating call?
The technical equipment of the Ivorian government is slowly starting to die after some intense first sessions.
Maybe someone needs more Redbull… Apparently a very important meeting was simply forgotten by the backroom and some ministers were left waiting alone
The President of China lost his underwear! The president of China apparently lost his panties on his way to the last meeting with the Nigerian Minister of Foreign Afffairs.
It is not clear, if this is supposed to have a greater military background or if it was only mistake.
Bilingualism at its peak Rumour has it that the Nigerian Foreign Minister is capable of switching from English to German and back to English all within one sentence. Such a tremendous skill would certainly come in handy in future negotiations or coffee breaks.
Suspicious Person seen in China? What is going on in China? A person wearing black sunglasses and behaving very suspicious was seen entering the Chinese residence. There are rumours this person might be from Cameroon. What is going on there? A military strategy? Some secret talks? Love? Or even worse – does this person has something to do with the kidnappig of the Minister of Defence of Cameroon???
Have you forgotten about your minister Cameroon? So the ministers are enjoying their delicious cookies? But there’s someone missing. Watch your calories burn, not your minister. You’re behind those snacks while defense is behind bars. #notmycountry #cookiesforcameroon
Political Thriller Former Minister of Defence of Cameroon writes inspiring essays about the cracks in his country’s political system from in his captivity. It seems he has unknown helpers who bring the highly controversial essays to the public. Reading between the lines the Minister of Defence feels personally offended because his government didn’t make any effort to rescue him from his kidnappers.
SDGs not STDs
Send Nudes not Nukes
REMINDER: Conference language is English, that includes gossip.
The greater the person, the smaller the ego
Sub-Saharan Donkey at it again! We, the united editors of Le Sapeur Observant are outraged! What the fake and lying sons and daughters of donkeys at the Sub-Saharan Star are publishing can only be explained by the fact, that their donkey-hoofes cannot hit the right buttons on their keyboard!! We, the most honorable and respected newspaper in the whole region, maybe in all of africa march side by side with the President of Cameroon and strongly condemn the use of „Fake News“ and so-called „Alternative Facts“ in the trashy, garbage newspaper of Sub-Saharan Star. Le Sapeur out!
Nigeria has enough oxygen Several staff members and cabinets appear to have trouble breathing due to a lack of sufficient oxygen supply. But not Nigeria. Nigeria has enough air for everyone. The air even refreshes itself, therefore windows must only be opened seldomly.
“This is outrageous! It’s unfair!” The Minister of National Defense aka the state security minister insists that the future lunches shall be more internationally inclusive and wishes rice and spring rolls to be added to the menu.
Behind closed doors Rumor is that the door room of the Nigerian cabinet actually CAN be opened from the outside. Nevertheless press and conference managers refuse to come in after knocking and being invited.
The cat is a spy Have you seen the cat? Yes, the cat strolling around right outside the conference building looking. It is not as innocent and cute as it may look. Nigerian intelligence services have detected that the cat is actually carrying enhanced equipment to eavesdrop on the cabinet sittings. Fortunately, Nigerian intelligence technicians were able to disable the spy’s equipment by installing counter-measures.
Famine in the Gulf of Guinea Even heads of state are feeling desperate hungry. All shops in the region are closed and rebellion is close.
Rumor has it, a praticipant of TICS 2019 has already sewed a wound in this building It seems one of our participants studies medicine and is strangely familiar with this building.
Hormones running wild as students are trapped in DocLab! The low level of oxygen in the rooms of the DocLab – due to a considerable lack of windows – lead to a reduction of higher cortex functions in a group of students in the TICS 2019. Thus, the students were constrained to their Mesocephalon and Brain stem functions, resultting in a mating behaviour comparable to Bonobos. Further research will be conducted but remains highly ethically controverse.
I´d rather eat nothing at all than the wrong stuff You know who I mean
Halloween Party Shower In other news, a certain individual bought a considerable number of drinks for a female member of the ExCom team. Let´s bring the two lovebirds together. Please pass on any news to the Logistics department.
What is our Photographer really after… ? 😉 Does the photographer REALLY just want to take pictures of all the Ministers, or does he have a certain interest in a veeery special and veeery pretty Minister? To be continued!
Vegans are delaying the Lunch Times Rumors are circulating behind the scenes that due to the special culinary needs of two ministers (*cough Nigeria and the US*) the lunch times will be delayed by 45 minutes.
Throwback at Halloween Apparently, Jane Fonda is still a very popular figure in the town of Monnem. The Mannheim gang arrived as her fan group last night. Their dancing skills were good, though not up to Jane Fonda’s.
Hot news! Two ministers late together Rumour has it, there were already inteeeeense debates regarding Nigerian oil and Cameroonian Armed Forces last night… this morning they arrived together, almost an hour late… coincidence?!
FAKE NEWS! There IS Coffee! Seems like some delegates are just misinformed… there IS coffee and tea downstairs and all delegates can come down and grab a cup if they want! #TeamExCom
Finally good news for the environment A newly discovered source of sparkling water in the entrance hall should put all issues of water shortage to a preliminary end.
Coffee is a scarce resource since dozens of people arrived in Tübingen, Germany In the small town of Tübingen, there is an acute shortage of coffee. People struggle to stay awake, infrastructure is falling apart and rumors say, some are starting to try to farm their own coffee in public parks.
Crisis Manager (Male) Crisis Managers are on fleek!